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15 Tips For Dating After Divorce. The fact that you've already done the whole cohabitation-vacations-proposal-marriage-and-maybe-even-kids thing might make the idea of going in for round two and dating after a divorce pretty daunting. In fact, in 2014, more than 50% percent of women reported being uninterested in remarriage after divorce.
Click here for how to meet a new partner after divorce
If putting yourself out there" is making you nervous, you should know that this go-round will be pretty different. and ~probably~ better, says Gary Lewandowski, PhD, a psychology professor at Monmouth University and the expert behind the TEDx Talk, “Breakups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken.” This time you hit the dating scene, you may have baggage (in the form of an ex and potentially unresolved issues)—but that isn’t always a bad thing. That's because you’ll also have tons of experience under your belt that you can utilize to make sure you’re getting exactly what you need out of your next relationship, says Lewandowski. Below, 15 things to keep in mind as you put yourself back out there after divorce and give love another shot. 1. Rediscover yourself. Before you start heading out on dates, make sure you’ve made time to date yourself. See, it’s easy to get lost in a marriage and start defining yourself according your partner, Lewandowski says. So, reconnect with the parts of yourself you may have neglected while you were married. Hike that trail your ex thought would be lame, or take that painting class you saw a flyer for. This way, Lewandowski says, you'll be able to "grab hold of of who you are again and be mindful of what makes you happy"—both very good things if you're venturing back onto the dating scene. 2. Grieve the end of your marriage if you need to. When you're spending time on your own, you may start to reflect on the parts of your life (or yourself) that you've lost because of the divorce. You might miss friends you no longer see as often, or if you have children, you might not get to spend as much time with them. It's okay to mourn these changes—in fact, you should lean into those feelings, says Lewandowski. Divorce means very tough shifts, even if they are necessary ones. It's going to take time to come to terms with your new life, so don't rush it. 3. Reach out to a pro for help if you need it. In order to pinpoint the many factors that contributed to the end of your relationship, you might want to bring a therapist into the mix, says Lewandowski. They can help you make sense of things that might seem otherwise senseless. For example, they might help you identify why you stayed in the relationship for as long as you did, the ways in which you may have inadvertently contributed to the drama with your ex, etc. By talking it out with a pro, you can identify healthy behavior you want to bring into your next relationship. and any unhealthy habits that you should ditch. 4. Keep an eye out for patterns. Once you (and your therapist) have singled out the kinks that created problems in your marriage, keep them from making a reappearance in your dating life by coming up with alternative responses to the actions that trigger these patterns of behavior. Let's say you were dealing with trust issues, for example. This time around, work on talking to your partner about how you sometimes feel insecure when they stay out late. Ask them to proactively check in, and that way you won't be tempted to peep at any of their private messages. 5. Map out what you need from your next relationship. Once you’ve had time to yourself, take another beat to identify the things you’ll need your next partner to prioritize so that you can feel fulfilled in this next relationship, says Lewandowski. For example, if you have kids, decide whether you want the people you date to have children. If having a joint bank account was a source of stress in your last marriage, decide how important it is to you that your next partner is financially independent. One way to do this is to make a list, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. "Prioritize what you can and cannot live without," she says, by "writing down where you have some wiggle room and where you need to be firm." "There is no soul mate or perfect person for you or anyone," she adds. No one is going to check off all your boxes. But it is helpful to have a general roadmap of what you want going into your next relationship so that you can ensure you’re getting what you need from it. 6. Step outside of your comfort zone… Remember when I said dating after divorce would ~probably~ be better? Well, that will only happen if you put your dates to good use. To keep history from repeating itself, make sure your “dates are self-expanding,” Lewandowski says. Go for a bike ride or take an art class—anything you wouldn't have typically done before your divorce. The idea is to get out of the routine you’d cycled through during your marriage. Mixing it up on dates will allow you to focus on self-development and growth—and gear up for what's next. It'll also put you in the right headspace for a different kind of relationship than the one you had. This content is imported from . You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site. 7 . …But don't feel like you need to rush anything. If you're trying to get into another relationship (rather than just dating around—which is also totally fine), you'll want to be certain that this relationship is right for you, says Lewandowski. Trust takes a minute to develop, so take all the time you need to build a solid foundation. If that means talking on the phone with your dates a few times before meeting in person, do that. And if you realize you’ve jumped onto the dating scene too quickly, know that it's fine to backtrack and spend some more time on your own. Dating around is another valid option if you want to get to know some people and just have fun putting yourself out there. 8. Don’t sacrifice who you are. Even as you step outside of your comfort zone on dates, Lewandowski says to stay true to who you are. Don’t let the work you did reconnecting with yourself after your split go to waste. “When you’re dating post-divorce, you want to make sure you’re not defining yourself purely on your next relationship,” he says. Instead, “really become centered and well-grounded in who you are as a person”—and then date someone who fits into your life, not the other way around. To do this, says Spector, "ask yourself if you would make these sacrifices for friends or colleagues." If you wouldn't, then you're probably doing it to keep your partner around and avoid feeling lonely. There's no shame in wanting to ward off loneliness, but by molding yourself into someone your partner wants you to be, you'll end up unhappy in the long run. 9. Be transparent about your past… Divorce can means kids, exes who are still in your life because you’ve decided to stay friends, or financial issues related to the cost of divorce. So, once you’re comfortable with the person you’re dating, don’t feel like you have to tiptoe around these subjects, says Lewandowski.
How to meet a new partner after divorce
Article:
15 Tips For Dating After Divorce. The fact that you've already done the whole cohabitation-vacations-proposal-marriage-and-maybe-even-kids thing might make the idea of going in for round two and dating after a divorce pretty daunting. In fact, in 2014, more than 50% percent of women reported being uninterested in remarriage after divorce.
Click here for how to meet a new partner after divorce
If putting yourself out there" is making you nervous, you should know that this go-round will be pretty different. and ~probably~ better, says Gary Lewandowski, PhD, a psychology professor at Monmouth University and the expert behind the TEDx Talk, “Breakups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken.” This time you hit the dating scene, you may have baggage (in the form of an ex and potentially unresolved issues)—but that isn’t always a bad thing. That's because you’ll also have tons of experience under your belt that you can utilize to make sure you’re getting exactly what you need out of your next relationship, says Lewandowski. Below, 15 things to keep in mind as you put yourself back out there after divorce and give love another shot. 1. Rediscover yourself. Before you start heading out on dates, make sure you’ve made time to date yourself. See, it’s easy to get lost in a marriage and start defining yourself according your partner, Lewandowski says. So, reconnect with the parts of yourself you may have neglected while you were married. Hike that trail your ex thought would be lame, or take that painting class you saw a flyer for. This way, Lewandowski says, you'll be able to "grab hold of of who you are again and be mindful of what makes you happy"—both very good things if you're venturing back onto the dating scene. 2. Grieve the end of your marriage if you need to. When you're spending time on your own, you may start to reflect on the parts of your life (or yourself) that you've lost because of the divorce. You might miss friends you no longer see as often, or if you have children, you might not get to spend as much time with them. It's okay to mourn these changes—in fact, you should lean into those feelings, says Lewandowski. Divorce means very tough shifts, even if they are necessary ones. It's going to take time to come to terms with your new life, so don't rush it. 3. Reach out to a pro for help if you need it. In order to pinpoint the many factors that contributed to the end of your relationship, you might want to bring a therapist into the mix, says Lewandowski. They can help you make sense of things that might seem otherwise senseless. For example, they might help you identify why you stayed in the relationship for as long as you did, the ways in which you may have inadvertently contributed to the drama with your ex, etc. By talking it out with a pro, you can identify healthy behavior you want to bring into your next relationship. and any unhealthy habits that you should ditch. 4. Keep an eye out for patterns. Once you (and your therapist) have singled out the kinks that created problems in your marriage, keep them from making a reappearance in your dating life by coming up with alternative responses to the actions that trigger these patterns of behavior. Let's say you were dealing with trust issues, for example. This time around, work on talking to your partner about how you sometimes feel insecure when they stay out late. Ask them to proactively check in, and that way you won't be tempted to peep at any of their private messages. 5. Map out what you need from your next relationship. Once you’ve had time to yourself, take another beat to identify the things you’ll need your next partner to prioritize so that you can feel fulfilled in this next relationship, says Lewandowski. For example, if you have kids, decide whether you want the people you date to have children. If having a joint bank account was a source of stress in your last marriage, decide how important it is to you that your next partner is financially independent. One way to do this is to make a list, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. "Prioritize what you can and cannot live without," she says, by "writing down where you have some wiggle room and where you need to be firm." "There is no soul mate or perfect person for you or anyone," she adds. No one is going to check off all your boxes. But it is helpful to have a general roadmap of what you want going into your next relationship so that you can ensure you’re getting what you need from it. 6. Step outside of your comfort zone… Remember when I said dating after divorce would ~probably~ be better? Well, that will only happen if you put your dates to good use. To keep history from repeating itself, make sure your “dates are self-expanding,” Lewandowski says. Go for a bike ride or take an art class—anything you wouldn't have typically done before your divorce. The idea is to get out of the routine you’d cycled through during your marriage. Mixing it up on dates will allow you to focus on self-development and growth—and gear up for what's next. It'll also put you in the right headspace for a different kind of relationship than the one you had. This content is imported from . You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site. 7 . …But don't feel like you need to rush anything. If you're trying to get into another relationship (rather than just dating around—which is also totally fine), you'll want to be certain that this relationship is right for you, says Lewandowski. Trust takes a minute to develop, so take all the time you need to build a solid foundation. If that means talking on the phone with your dates a few times before meeting in person, do that. And if you realize you’ve jumped onto the dating scene too quickly, know that it's fine to backtrack and spend some more time on your own. Dating around is another valid option if you want to get to know some people and just have fun putting yourself out there. 8. Don’t sacrifice who you are. Even as you step outside of your comfort zone on dates, Lewandowski says to stay true to who you are. Don’t let the work you did reconnecting with yourself after your split go to waste. “When you’re dating post-divorce, you want to make sure you’re not defining yourself purely on your next relationship,” he says. Instead, “really become centered and well-grounded in who you are as a person”—and then date someone who fits into your life, not the other way around. To do this, says Spector, "ask yourself if you would make these sacrifices for friends or colleagues." If you wouldn't, then you're probably doing it to keep your partner around and avoid feeling lonely. There's no shame in wanting to ward off loneliness, but by molding yourself into someone your partner wants you to be, you'll end up unhappy in the long run. 9. Be transparent about your past… Divorce can means kids, exes who are still in your life because you’ve decided to stay friends, or financial issues related to the cost of divorce. So, once you’re comfortable with the person you’re dating, don’t feel like you have to tiptoe around these subjects, says Lewandowski.
How to meet a new partner after divorce