[DISCUSSION] A New Project

[Kris]

This has been in the works for a week now and I'm finally ready to do it. I'm writing a full retelling of Pokémon Crystal Version in a FanFic. Not much to say except feedback is appreciated. Only one Chapter is available rn, but please give it a read and tell me what you think. Thanks!
 

Quote:Pokémon Crystal | The Retelling by me

[Skulblaka01]

it's really good and a nice start for a story, i would just try to use less 'she' or 'her' as it start to become repetitive quick, but beside that it's nice and easy too read through.

[TheAlmightySancho]

It's pretty good. I'd do more writing for people but when your speciality is Lovecraftian Horror, it's hard to find someone who understand all the bizarre words in it.

[The Flying Scotsman]

Hey! I am still reading it I'll make suggestions as I go along. I would reccomend rewording "awoke with a cheerful attitude", and replace it with something that shows that for example, when Kris left her bedroom in the morning, she was cheerfully singing, awating the forthcoming meeting of Prefessor Elm. (Idk just a sugggestion.)  
"'Good girl, you have not forgotten' she said in response. 'Mmhmm' Kris nodded, her mouth full of food" I would say she replied not said in responce, or maybe say murmured in responce.

"Now, you remember how to use the Phone feature, right Kris?" she asked. "Yes Mom, of course" Kris replied. I would take out the she asked. You can read it just fine without, making it less wordy. Also, was she answering in a sarcastic tone or is she genuinely happy because gooing through the game it was like I already know how to do this UGHH.


"Thanks Mom....Anyway, I'd best be off, I don't want to make Professor Elm wait any longer." Kris said, before getting up, and heading to the door. "Well, bye Mom." Kris said hugging her mother before leaving. if she gets up and heads for the door, why is she huggung her mom after. doesn't make sense. Also, I would reword the ending to sound something like this "Thanks mom, Anyways I do not want to keep Prof. Elm waiting" Kris says, walking out the front door."
 
Kris walked up to the man. "Ahh hey, Professor? It's Kris." she said.
-Kris, walking up to the professor says,

I don't know if any of this helps, I am not a very skilled writer but I try to help when I can.

[Kris]

Thanks for the feedback guys

[Kris]

(Oct 14, 2017, 02:33 PM)The Flying Scotsman Wrote:  
"'Good girl, you have not forgotten' she said in response. 'Mmhmm' Kris nodded, her mouth full of food" I would say she replied not said in responce, or maybe say murmured in responce.

Actually the person that "she said in response" refers to is her mother.