Hey @"MistressGlaceon" I quite enjoyed your story! Just a few comments that I think could help you from my literature class experience.
1- The story is quite interesting indeed and very unique, but the way you're writting it is a bit strange; generally, you would want to a narrator that is either in the story, or an omniscient narrator that basically follows the characters, but using the reader as a narrator can work, but is generally harder and can sometimes end up a bit awkward.
2-The word choice was pretty good; you used enough adjectives and such so the reader can understand the situation better while also giving a more familiar vibe, which suits pretty well your story.
Other than that, there's some grammar/writting mistakes but that's just nitpicking. Good job on this one, and good luck on being a writer, I'd also love to be one :]
P.S.: Sorry for any grammar mistakes or weird sentences, I'm french and I sometimes mess up.
1- The story is quite interesting indeed and very unique, but the way you're writting it is a bit strange; generally, you would want to a narrator that is either in the story, or an omniscient narrator that basically follows the characters, but using the reader as a narrator can work, but is generally harder and can sometimes end up a bit awkward.
2-The word choice was pretty good; you used enough adjectives and such so the reader can understand the situation better while also giving a more familiar vibe, which suits pretty well your story.
Other than that, there's some grammar/writting mistakes but that's just nitpicking. Good job on this one, and good luck on being a writer, I'd also love to be one :]
P.S.: Sorry for any grammar mistakes or weird sentences, I'm french and I sometimes mess up.
